I’ve been reading a lot of Anne Lamott recently. One thing I really appreciate about her and her writing is that she’s willing to let herself be seen as she is. And sometimes, how she is, how her life is, is messy. Anne Lamott was the writer who gave us permission to “write a shitty first draft.” I’ve always loved her for that! She gives me a permission I hadn’t given myself. Because for me, messiness and shame go way back and hand-in-hand:

I was seven years old, sitting at the formica-topped kitchen table, pulling my homework out of the mustard colored Pee-Chee folder for my mother to see and initial. She took one glance and gasped an omigod! There in the upper right corner was the mark of shame – a pea-sized grease spot, next to which Mrs. Schwartz had written Messy! in big red letters.

“I’m just mortified!” and a flood of ‘what she must think of us’ poured out of my mother. I don’t know what mortified is, but it must be bad!

Fast forward almost 30 years and I’m sitting in a counseling office with my son. His counselor tells me that my son thinks that all I care about is how things look on the outside. Unfortunately, now I’m well aware of what mortified is. It feels like a knife to my heart knowing that not only have I carried this for all these years, but that the sense of shame and not-enoughness that I inherited from my mother has so deeply affected my precious son.

I’d have to say that incident spurred me to delve into the shame/perfectionism/not-enoughness trifecta. For me, John Bradshaw and Brené Brown have been godsends. But I recently found out there was even more for me to discover – and heal!

In my most recent podcast, Shining the Light on Shame, I share a story about an event that broke something open for me and feels like one of those defining moments, after which life just isn’t going to be the same. I hope you’ll give it a listen! https://kamalamurphey.com/shining-the-light-on-shame/

And, back to Anne Lamott…I’ve gotta say, as much as I’d like to have a neat, clean, orderly life, I don’t. I’d like to have a home that could be featured in House Beautiful. And, for sure, I don’t! My life is messy and chaotic and disorganized a lot of the time. Yet, all that presents such an opportunity to learn to shine the Light (and Love) of God on shame and receive Mercy and Grace!

And, so I say, Dear God, please bless this mess!